We are only 8 days away from the 3 month mark, it has been 36 days since I have seen you, and in 3 days we should be celebrating our 3 year anniversary.
That won’t be happening.
You text me that you love me, then you ignore me. You tell me that you want to see me, then you say no to every invitation because, “it’s not the right time.” I get upset and angry because I’m being jerked around like a yo-yo, but you get mad at me b/c I’m being mean to you. MEAN TO YOU?
Your final text said, “now leave me alone.” If that’s what you want then I am going to make it my mission to do so. I know you’ll never read this, but allow me to be your therapist since you cannot find one that you “like.”
You find it difficult to discuss your feelings, and you try to bury them by throwing yourself into your work. However, when work becomes stressful or tiring because you use it as a coping mechanism you have no other outlet for your feelings. You are then forced to sit with your thoughts and you do not like the decisions you have made nor do you understand them. You are uncomfortable with the consequences of your actions, including consequences that you are suffering, as well as those that you love. Because you prefer to distance yourself from your feelings you have cut yourself out of the lives of those that you love. In doing this you don’t have to deal with anything that makes you uncomfortable because there will not be an opportunity for conversation or questions about you and your feelings. However, you feel guilty about the pain that removing yourself from the lives of the people you love has caused. In order to assuage this guilt you have found reasons to become angry at these people. This way you are not ignoring them, or cutting them out, you are merely staying away because you are angry and you do not need the frustration that these people cause you.
Am I pretty close, because I think I’m spot fucking on.
But that’s ok, because I’m leaving you alone now.
Alone. How does that feel for you?
"It’s just so strange.
You used to love me,
and now you’re a stranger
who happens to know all
of my secrets."
— Clementine Von Radics
It’s been 2 months and 3 days. When does the hope go away?
When will I stop wanting what I had and start looking to the future? When will I dream of something other than my old life? When will I stop feeling so alone?
I thought after a few weeks this would be over and we would be back together. I honestly still keep thinking that there is no way that two people who love each other this much won’t end up together. Then I talk to friends who say that if he loved me we wouldn’t be going through this. I don’t want them to be right. I want to be the couple that gets back together and is stronger than ever.
But how long is it healthy to think this way?
When does the hope go away?
This whole situation is so confusing that it has mixed my emotions to the point that I don’t even know what I feel. Of course I’m hurt, but I’m angry, and lonely, and I can’t decide if I’m more upset that you left or that you still say you love me.
We went on our trip to the mountains as planned. It was better than I could have imagined. We laughed, we talked, it was so comfortable and so close to normal that every night when I went to sleep I cried because we were one day closer to leaving.
You keep saying that you are looking for your therapist to identify the problem or give you some sort of answer…but I can’t figure out what that means. I want to know. Are you going to therapy so that we can be together, or are you going to therapy to help you walk away?
The push and pull is killing me. I cannot live my life through text messages. I will take this journey with you, but I will not wait for you to take it alone.
When I still had an active Facebook account I stumbled across the profile of an ex-boyfriend. He was a cheater and a liar and we broke up when I found out he was living with another woman, two hours away. He fed her the same lines that he fed me about being a traveling electrician, “gotta go where the work is.”
When I found out what was going on, we broke up. A few years later when I saw the About Me section on his Facebook page all he had written was, “Starting over, again and again.”
I identify with that statement so much, that I wish I had been the one to write it. It doesn’t seem fair that a cheater and a liar could have such profound thoughts about starting over….since it’s his actions and choices that provide this consequence.
None the less. I feel like that one, short, sentence sums up my life.
Starting over, again, and again, and apparently….again.
"And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too."
— Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
We have been texting quite frequently, and it has been pleasant for the most part. Obviously I was eager for more, and I asked you to meet me for dinner, drinks, a concert, and a fight, and I was told no each time.
Luckily for me I employ the attitude, expect the worst, prepare for the worst, and you can’t be disappointed. I had already prepared myself for the fact that you would not be ready to see me, but you said that you hated saying no to me all the time. So, I said that you should try saying yes.
Last night, we met for drinks. It was awkward, and confusing, and oddly familiar all at the same time. We talked about the mundane details of our lives, and you even smiled a few times. I only got sad at the end because I wasn’t ready for our time together to be over.
You walked me to my car, we hugged, and we kissed. It would have been an awesome first date…but that is not what this is.
I don’t know what this is.
"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on."
— Robert Frost
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
— Theodore Roosevelt
Time is a funny thing.
Days feel long, nights feel even longer, yet one month has passed and it still feels like yesterday that you left.
We have talked. I understand now why this has happened. I know that you love me, and that you feel like there are things about yourself that you need to work through. I know that it’s true that one cannot love another until they love themselves, but I hate being lonely.
I am trying to give you your space. I am holding onto those words, “I love you,” and wondering how much time will have to pass and how many therapy sessions you will have to attend before I can fall asleep in your arms again.